
Welcome, fearless reader! Within this ancient tome/blog post reside some of the most nefarious, unscrupulous, mischievous makeup monsters known to man and womankind.
As the author of this compendium, I release this knowledge unto you! — for I fear the creatures I have long chronicled are closing in on me…
Make haste! And use the research contained herewith to defend and protect yourself on your beauty adventures. 🙂
Primer Pest
Description: Primer Pests are an invasive species of toad rapidly spreading around the globe. Believed to be a mutation created in an underground cosmetics lab, they are attracted to makeup primer. Can’t resist it, actually.
Frequency: Uncommon but spreading
Speed: Fast
Armor Class: 7 (small and quick)
Special Attacks: Primer Pests inhabit bogs and marshes near urban areas and suburban strip malls — anywhere with makeup counters. One swat from their toady tongue turns makeup primer into a soppy sludge.
Special Defenses: None
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Neutral
Size: Tiny (6″ tall)
Abominable Powder Punisher
Description: Abominable Powder Punishers are gargantuan, grossly confused and filthy beasts that perceive all powders as a threat. They believe that poofs of powder are actually swarms of tiny biting insects, and they swat furiously at them when exposed.
Frequency: Rare (thank goodness!)
Speed: Medium (see below)
Armor Class: 10+ (heavy fur acts as a form of padded armor)
Special Attacks: Incredibly fast swatting. When an Abominable Powder Punisher detects the presence of powder, or sees a poof of powder in the distance, it flies into an uncontrollable rage, swinging and swatting its huge clawed hands and roaring in a combination of fear and fury, “NoooOOOoOOoOO!!!”
Special Defenses: Berserker rage
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Neutral
Size: Huge (15′ tall)
Stench Dragon
Description: Stench Dragons are a subcategory of dragons that spend much of their time stalking perfumeries and fragrance counters. Powerfully stinky, they tend to be aloof, solitary and self-centered. Their motto is, “It’s all about me.”
Frequency: Rare
Speed: Fast
Armor Class: 8
Special Attacks: Like a fine cheese, Stench Dragons become more powerfully pungent as they age. They are attracted to strong fragrances, which they attempt to overpower with their awful dragon breath.
Special Defenses: Fragrance resistance; aura of repulsive stench
Intelligence: Very
Alignment: Chaotic neutral (naughty)
Size: Medium (6′ long)
Liner Lamia
Description: Long, long ago, a powerful evil sorceress/former makeup artist created Liner Lamia to guard her makeup counter while she was away, but a small number of the mischievous creatures escaped! Tentacled gremlins with eye liners for arms, they really just like to mess up makeup.
Frequency: Rare
Speed: Fast
Armor Class: 7
Special Attacks: Liner Lamia prefer surprise attacks over frontal assaults, typically striking while their victims are distractedly applying their makeup — for instance, while driving.
They are deathly afraid of mirrors.
Special Defenses: Nil
Intelligence: Medium
Alignment: Chaotic neutral
Size: Small (3′ tall)
Bronzer Bugbear
Description: Bronzer Bugbears are huge, slathering ogres with a taste for bronzer. They consume it for the talc and silica, which they need to survive, and also like to roll around in it like elephants do with mud.
Bronzer Bugbears are able to sense the presence of bronzer within a 10-mile radius, but the exact mechanism by which this sense works remains a mystery (it’s not a sense of smell, since Bronzer Bugbears lack noses). Once within range of bronzer or a person wearing it, they attack! — using a special powder puff that all Bronzer Bugbears instinctively know how to construct. After collecting the bronzer, they retreat to their lairs to eat it in peace.
Frequency: Rare
Speed: Slow
Armor Class: 9
Special Defenses: Nil
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Neutral
Size: Huge (12′ tall)













